
My husband had to put our dog to sleep this week. We have faced the gamut of responses ranging from disgust to deep love and sympathy. Naturally, the latter feels much better.
Our dog, Henry was beautiful and very loving, but could turn vicious at the drop of a dime. He had already bitten my little boy in the face and caused him to get 17 stitches and cosmetic surgery.
Why didn’t we get rid of him then? We did not do that three years ago because I cannot even kill a spider in my home. Taking the life of a creature, let alone one that is so loved is not in my make-up. I believe that people and animals can change. I hoped that Henry would outgrow his lack of impulse control, but he did not and went on to terrorize other humans and animals in our neighborhood, attacking without provocation.
Of course there was a last straw. It came two nights ago when he took a little dog in his mouth and swung him around in the air as if it were a chew toy.
This is the same dog that I cuddled with that very afternoon. My husband, who loved Henry as much as anyone, put his foot down and did something that required much bravery. He did something that would cause pain to all four of our children and anger.
Although I wanted to stop him, Henry was my baby, I did not. I could have talked my husband out of it, but I did not. I wanted to, but I did not.
Yesterday I met with a woman who told me that the nurse at the facility where her husband resides told her that her husband could not swallow his pills any longer.
They sought her permission to deliver his medication by liquid means. She told me that she wanted to say just let him choke on the medication and die. He is in horrible facility, in diapers and very much demented.
Of course, she could not say that because our society covets life as if it is precious at all cost. That would be extreme negligence at best and outright murder at worst.
Euthanasia is a very complicated subject. It has been on our ballot in California . Many people who oppose it do not see the pain and suffering that I see on a daily basis. It is an objection based on theories usually religious in nature, for which I do respect.
Other’s object based on very real administrative concerns of abuse, such as who will deliver the dose and under what circumstances. Some think that it gives too much power to doctors who will become de-sensitized to death.
As a society we do condone taking the life of animals and humans under certain circumstances. All of these circumstances have nothing to do with the animal’s or human’s choice.
Years ago we had to put my Sheepdog to sleep because his stomach turned over on itself and he was in a great deal of pain. It was unlikely that a $5,000 emergency surgery would work especially because he had a platelet disorder. He was suffering.
We were allowed to take him out of his pain and misery. I wanted him to live forever. I wanted Henry to live forever. This great State of California has the death penalty for those who commit heinous acts upon others.
Although one could argue that by committing such acts these indivials implicty consent to the state taking their life, I would argue that they are as demented as some of my clients and like the dogs we are allowed to kill, cannot intellectually make that choice.
This is a good time to have this conversation. With the biggest growing demographic the 100+ years, and with the statics about Alzheimer’s (after the age of 85 you are at a 50% risk of getting it) we need to talk. This alone will bankrupt our country and cause pain to millions victims and their families. We need to talk.
Thank you for your kisses Henry and my love for you fills me with sadness at your death.
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Last week I was asked to evaluate an older couple’s assets to see for how long they could get by. The very bad news was that it was only 13.3 years. Given the fact that they were 74 years old, this doesn’t seem alarming. But it is. The husband had Parkinson’s disease a progressive debilitating condition. My projections were based on their lives and needs remaining constant. Should he need 50% more in home care than he currently uses (20 hours a week), that figure goes down to 6.5 years of money. That’s it. I was told that there is longevity on both sides of their family. Indeed, this woman left her mother of 98 back in Pennsylvania.
This couple moved to California despite the fact that their children told them that they would not care for them in their old age. Surprisingly, this was music to my clients’ ears. They really did not desire to be a burden to their children. But, what will happen in 2021 when she is still in good health, but not strong enough to work. She will be out of money. How will she eat? Where will she live? Will her children abandon her?
This is what is happening in Japan. The BBC reported on the amount of theft by displaced and impoverished seniors in that county. I usually do not post links in my blogs, but is fascinating. At a minimum, it should cause you to think about whether your fingers will grow glue.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-12157786
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In the past week, I have had three clients open the door and cry when they saw me. In the past week, I have had to repeat these five words over and over “I am not a psychologist.” I am an attorney and a gerontologist. I have seen a lot and know a lot, but I have no training in how to counsel people who are in an understandable emotional upheaval about their spouse, a sibling or a parent. Yet, despite this clear statement of my abilities and training, we proceed.
I tell my clients, just like I told them when I represented them in court, that they hired me so that I could take the pain away from them by solving their problems. In other words, I would take the pain from their bodies and hoist it onto my shoulders, they are broad. When I leave, their tears are a distant memory. I feel proud and there is an affirmation of the line of work that I have chosen.
This week, I am taking my father to a surgeon so that he can have his bladder removed. He is 81 years old and has a very aggressive tumor. There is no one knocking on my door. My shoulders are already burdened by the woes of others, or shall I say the gifts of others. Through my clients, I have learned to: avoid having regrets, set healthy boundaries, self-love, the language of letting go and much more.
I have, with the agreement of my spouse, offered to have my father live here while he recovers. I will have no regrets because I will be there for him in his time of need. I will hire help so that I am available for my husband and children and clients. I will not blame myself for taking time for myself, and I will learn to start letting go of someone whose ultimate fate is not in my hands.
These promises that I make to myself are the key to surviving transitions and losses. The beauty of being involved in helping people care for their loved ones is that every day I have an opportunity to learn, pass on my knowledge and learn some more. Now, I get to use my knowledge to help my family. For that, I thank all of you whose tears dried upon my shoulders.
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Roy Laird just shot his wife in a nursing home here in Southern California. It was all over the newspapers. They were married for 70 years. He loved her. She had dementia.
My husband, who is 50 years old, has made it very clear that if he gets advanced stage Alzheimer’s disease and there is no hope for him to be cured, he wants to die, instead of languish and make his family suffer. He is not making a veiled request. He is quite serious. We have had many a philosophical discussion about this topic. This recent shooting has re-opened the debate. I love him. I hope that I have the great pleasure of being married to him for 70 years. If he develops advanced stage Alzheimer’s I will still love him. He posts these blogs for me and if there is anything inaccurate he will surely know. I WILL NEITHER DO THIS NOR RECOMMEND THIS FOR ANYONE ELSE.
What my husband has requested is his right-to-die. If I were to assist in his death, it might be a mercy killing and it might be the result of an intimate pact between him and me, but he would not be the one pulling the trigger, it would be me. If I carried it out, I would be forced to figure out at what stage in the disease to pull the trigger. Because Alzheimer’s takes away one’s ability to communicate, he would not be able to tell me that he changed his mind. This is why we will continue to discuss our personal wishes with one another for years to come. If I develop Alzheimer’s I want God to take me when it is my time. I do not want my husband or anyone else to kill me. I do not want to be on life support if it means I will be in a permanent vegetative state with no hope of living a meaningful life.
There is no doubt that Roy Laird loved his wife. The facts reveal that after his wife got sick and started showing signs of dementia, he insisted on helping dress and feed her. He refused to hire nursing aides to help care for her. He insisted on doing everything himself — from washing her laundry to cooking her meals. When it became too much to handle, he reluctantly agreed to check his wife into the nursing facility. At that point she was no longer able to walk, sit up in a wheelchair, feed herself or recognize those around her. From witness accounts, after her admission, Roy would visit her three times a day, spoon-feeding her at each meal. He would deliver a goodbye kiss while holding her hand.
Should we allow people to choose how and under what circumstances they should leave this beautiful earth? This is a question that has only been answered in the affirmative in one state, Oregon.
Many people cite unbearable pain as a reason for euthanasia. There are many pain treatments available and hospice providers who work with pain management doctors are an excellent source for providing this relief. Certainly, education initiatives should involve informing patients about their rights as consumers. Everyone – whether it be a person with a life-threatening illness or a chronic condition – has the right to pain relief.
Remember people cannot be forced to stay alive? Neither the law nor medical ethics requires that “everything be done” to keep a person alive. Insistence, against the patient’s wishes, that death be postponed by every means available is contrary to law and practice. That is why everyone should have an advanced health care directive.
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Seminar Update:
The seminar at the Hotel Huntington Beach went very well. I am grateful for the panel and their expertise. For those of you who missed it or couldn’t find the Hotel Huntington Beach, this is what you missed.
First, in an effort to figure out whether or not it is safe to age in place, we explored some assistive technology. The CapTel phone was introduced. This device has streaming captions of the conversation a relatively big screen. There are some public benefits that enable you to get this for free. If you want to know more about his just click on the CapTel icon on my homepage. Jay’s Hearing is a fixture in Long Beach and Orange County. He has been in business for many years and he is truly an expert in assessing hearing loss and finding solutions to hearing deficits.
We had a doctor talking about fall prevention, in short, his advice get in shape and keep in shape. NuVision also had some great technology for the vision impaired. I highly recommend checking them out if you know someone who has any type of vision loss and is looking for a solution.
Monica Bush from ResCare discussed what to look for when hiring an in home caregiver. ResCare has some great technology available as well. They have a device that enables a family to watch what is going on in the home. You can just click on their icon to see more. HomeWatch Caregivers of Huntington Beach was also there. The owner of that facility used to be a fire fighter and is very dedicated to the health and safety of our citizens!
In the spirit of aging in place there was an in home dental company. How cool that they will go to your home or your parents home with before and after pictures to quell any suspicion that this service is too good to be true. They are called homecaredentists.com Google them!
Oxford Home Health discussed how one can qualify for in home health care under Medicare as well as how Oxford has been in business with the same owner since the 1960’s. Oxford can be contacted by clicking on their icon. Greater Newport Physicians was also there. This medical group provides services to a wide range of people in Orange County.
Huntington Terrace Assisted Living was there. It is a beautiful, three-story community situated on three acres of meticulously landscaped grounds and gardens. I toured this facility and it is very nice especially with the renovation.
A representative from The Covington of Aliso Viejo shared information about this Continuing Care Retirement Community. A CCRC offers a broad spectrum of care and services to foster good health, fulfillment, and spiritual well-being in the lives of older adults. The Covington offers three levels of care: Independent Living, Assisted Living, and Skilled Nursing. In addition, The Covington also provides care for those with memory impairments in The Courtyard. A CCRC reduces the likelihood of relocation stress syndrome which can and does affect an older adult’s often delicate psyche.
This is a short list of items covered and experts involved in my last seminar. There will be an expert on dementia care at my next seminar on Saturday October 23, 2010 in Irvine at the Hilton as well as an expert on public benefits, MRS Specialists. It is a do not miss. I hope to see you there!
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“Vitnesses schmitnesses, I saw you blinking at those boys you shlut.” This is what an elderly woman said to me after her 90 year old husband backed into my car despite my intense honking efforts in the Junior’s Delicatessen parking lot.
The “boys” were actually young men who were simply giving me their cards as witnesses for my insurance company because the woman’s elderly husband kept asking me why I hit him.
If you ask the person from whom you are taking the keys “to drive or not to drive” the answer is almost always a resounding yes. This is especially true if the driver is a man, once strong, macho and in charge of himself and the world.
Continue reading To Drive Or Not To Drive, That Is The Question?!
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