I Love you Mr. Yamada
I love you Mr.Yamada. At 72, retired engineer Yasuteru Yamada is a trend setter. He and his best friend started a movement on Twitter and his blog (now translated into 12 language) to recruit other older engineers and other specialists to help tame the rogue reactors at the Daiichi power plant. They have the talent, and because of their advanced age, they lack the risk of getting the slow growing cancer that will befall younger workers.
Mr. Yamada, has triggered a debate about the role of the elderly in Japan. While I do not endorse that the older adults of this country heave themselves into harms way, why not be inspired to volunteer, every day. Give yourself to cause. Do not wait for a crises, do something to help our country avoid one. We have so much impending doom it would be easy to pick a plight: education, obesity, Alzheimer’s prevention, the loss of the arts in our schools, delivering meals to the housebound elderly…..
Far too often I find my older adult clients slowly slipping into depression because they are unengaged. This helps no one. It is a waste of their life and their mind. Mr. Yamada has inspired me and I hope it is contagious.
Share And Enjoy With Others:
In the past week, I have had three clients open the door and cry when they saw me. In the past week, I have had to repeat these five words over and over “I am not a psychologist.” I am an attorney and a gerontologist. I have seen a lot and know a lot, but I have no training in how to counsel people who are in an understandable emotional upheaval about their spouse, a sibling or a parent. Yet, despite this clear statement of my abilities and training, we proceed.
I tell my clients, just like I told them when I represented them in court, that they hired me so that I could take the pain away from them by solving their problems. In other words, I would take the pain from their bodies and hoist it onto my shoulders, they are broad. When I leave, their tears are a distant memory. I feel proud and there is an affirmation of the line of work that I have chosen.
This week, I am taking my father to a surgeon so that he can have his bladder removed. He is 81 years old and has a very aggressive tumor. There is no one knocking on my door. My shoulders are already burdened by the woes of others, or shall I say the gifts of others. Through my clients, I have learned to: avoid having regrets, set healthy boundaries, self-love, the language of letting go and much more.
I have, with the agreement of my spouse, offered to have my father live here while he recovers. I will have no regrets because I will be there for him in his time of need. I will hire help so that I am available for my husband and children and clients. I will not blame myself for taking time for myself, and I will learn to start letting go of someone whose ultimate fate is not in my hands.
These promises that I make to myself are the key to surviving transitions and losses. The beauty of being involved in helping people care for their loved ones is that every day I have an opportunity to learn, pass on my knowledge and learn some more. Now, I get to use my knowledge to help my family. For that, I thank all of you whose tears dried upon my shoulders.
Share And Enjoy With Others:
Roy Laird just shot his wife in a nursing home here in Southern California. It was all over the newspapers. They were married for 70 years. He loved her. She had dementia.
My husband, who is 50 years old, has made it very clear that if he gets advanced stage Alzheimer’s disease and there is no hope for him to be cured, he wants to die, instead of languish and make his family suffer. He is not making a veiled request. He is quite serious. We have had many a philosophical discussion about this topic. This recent shooting has re-opened the debate. I love him. I hope that I have the great pleasure of being married to him for 70 years. If he develops advanced stage Alzheimer’s I will still love him. He posts these blogs for me and if there is anything inaccurate he will surely know. I WILL NEITHER DO THIS NOR RECOMMEND THIS FOR ANYONE ELSE.
What my husband has requested is his right-to-die. If I were to assist in his death, it might be a mercy killing and it might be the result of an intimate pact between him and me, but he would not be the one pulling the trigger, it would be me. If I carried it out, I would be forced to figure out at what stage in the disease to pull the trigger. Because Alzheimer’s takes away one’s ability to communicate, he would not be able to tell me that he changed his mind. This is why we will continue to discuss our personal wishes with one another for years to come. If I develop Alzheimer’s I want God to take me when it is my time. I do not want my husband or anyone else to kill me. I do not want to be on life support if it means I will be in a permanent vegetative state with no hope of living a meaningful life.
There is no doubt that Roy Laird loved his wife. The facts reveal that after his wife got sick and started showing signs of dementia, he insisted on helping dress and feed her. He refused to hire nursing aides to help care for her. He insisted on doing everything himself — from washing her laundry to cooking her meals. When it became too much to handle, he reluctantly agreed to check his wife into the nursing facility. At that point she was no longer able to walk, sit up in a wheelchair, feed herself or recognize those around her. From witness accounts, after her admission, Roy would visit her three times a day, spoon-feeding her at each meal. He would deliver a goodbye kiss while holding her hand.
Should we allow people to choose how and under what circumstances they should leave this beautiful earth? This is a question that has only been answered in the affirmative in one state, Oregon.
Many people cite unbearable pain as a reason for euthanasia. There are many pain treatments available and hospice providers who work with pain management doctors are an excellent source for providing this relief. Certainly, education initiatives should involve informing patients about their rights as consumers. Everyone – whether it be a person with a life-threatening illness or a chronic condition – has the right to pain relief.
Remember people cannot be forced to stay alive? Neither the law nor medical ethics requires that “everything be done” to keep a person alive. Insistence, against the patient’s wishes, that death be postponed by every means available is contrary to law and practice. That is why everyone should have an advanced health care directive.
Share And Enjoy With Others:
It is simple. Veteran’s day means that I have the freedom to: criticize my government, participate in elections, wear what I desire, create art and music and literature that is fresh off my brain. Veteran’s day is a day to unwavering gratitude for those who risked their lives and continue to suffer from their commitment to us, the people of the United States. Please, do not go shopping today. Please read something about a war or successful and peaceful resolution of a conflict. Please feel unwavering gratitude for the service of our Veterans and prey that our world come to peace.
If you would like to learn about aid and attendance benefits, please sign up for my newsletter.
Share And Enjoy With Others:
How many of you have a favorite month? Two nights ago I was thinking about how I can’t wait until October because it is my favorite month. Then I had a thought that is consistent with many thoughts that I have had as a by-product of working with older adults and their families every day. Every day I see people in the throes of Alzheimer’s or dementia. I wondered, based on mortality charts and my genetic make-up and controlling for the fact that my little ones have taken several years off my life, how many Octobers do I have left? Twenty? Thirty? Will I, on every September 19th count this down?
Last night my favorite client passed away. I will miss her. Her death saddens me on many levels. What makes me most sad is that the night before she passed away I held her hand and asked her if she still had the will to live. She did. In fact, it was clear from spending so much time with her that she had big plans that she saved her whole life for and, like most of us, deferred.
How many of your favorite months do you have left. This October, I will act like it is both my first and last. The fresh autumn air will smell better, the Halloween candy taste better and the world with all of its flaws will look better. In fact, I resolve today, publicly that I will wake up every day and see my life as a the miracle that is it. And tonight when I go to sleep I will not make plans, I will resolve to do them.
Peace be with you Mrs. B you are loved……….
Share And Enjoy With Others:
How did I get Mrs. B to go to the hospital? I drew a chart of where she was when I first met her, where she was the previous Friday, where she wanted to be and where she was…. knocking at death’s door. It went from the peak of a mountain to the valley. I called 911 with her blessing.
One of my recommendations in my initial report was that she organize her paper work. It was scattered about her desk and should an emergency arise, it would be difficult to present the appropriate paper work without a frenzy which is exactly what I was thrust into when the paramedic asked me for her Medicare card.
Mrs. B had pneumonia. She was placed on antibiotics. She spent three weeks in the hospital. Both of her daughters came in from various parts of the world. So many friends came that I had to put visitation restrictions on her door. She is a fighter.
One day I came in and she was standing and sitting and standing and sitting. She was trying to work her muscles because she felt as if she would never walk again. Her whole body shook and no anti-depressant could stop it. She was scared. She became nauseous. She vomited blood. Instead of being transferred to the transitional care unit for rehabilitation, she was rushed to the intensive care unit. The diagnosis after two endoscopies? A massive pulsating ulcer—that could burst at anytime and end her life.
In the meantime, her husband was at home with in home care assistance and friends to ensure his safety. She did not communicate to with him. He was scared and sad. I had to find a way to both enable her to release the guilt she was carrying around about his imminent placement in an assisted living facility without directly confronting her and find a way to for her communicate to him before he was taken from his home and moved to another…without his wife of 40 years.
I interviewed Mrs. B’s daughter and a close family friend, a Guatemalan man that they raised and who will be the conservator when things go very south. They told me of the nicknames that Mrs. B and her husband had for one another and memories that would evoke feelings of joy and nostalgia. I set out and wrote a love letter to him on her behalf. Bidding him fair well with love, signed “all my love twinkle.” Mrs. B approved of the content and Mr. B held onto it as if it were laced with sticky honey. Not all lies are bad.
Share And Enjoy With Others:
Within 5 days of delivering the report, Mrs. B asked me to come to her home. She was shadowed by another woman who she sponsored at AA and who was there at our first meeting. We will call this woman, her shadow. At first I was suspicious. It is not just that I have an inherently distrustful nature, it is that I have seen these types linger around frail older adults with assets many times and THEY HAVE DONE BAD THINGS TO MY CLIENTS. In time, I came to not only trust the shadow, but because Mrs. B’s daughters were out of the country, I came to rely on her for doing the things that a daughter would do.
When I arrived, Mrs. B was sitting up in her bed upstairs eating a peanut butter and lettuce sandwich. Because she had to sleep in an upright position, she developed stenosis. She complained of pain. Overall she seemed determined and strong. Mrs. B again reiterated her desire to move her husband elsewhere and the conflict she felt about “institutionalizing” him. The consensus was that she would tour a facility by her home that I recommended. I asked her to articulate her wish list, and certainly regaining her strength was primary. However, it was clear that her mental attitude was an impediment, so we discussed anti-depressants. Being the stoic person that she was, she had stopped taking them.
I spoke with Mr. B, he was bored. Every day that I spoke with him he said he was bored. He had very bad hygiene, could not make his own meals, pick his clothes out or do his own laundry. I came to feel that placing him was the right and kind thing to do. He sat and sat and sat all day without any social interaction.
We had a plan. Mrs. B. would tour the assisted living facility the following Monday. By the time I left, she was up and about and demonstrating her new lift. She looked happy and hopeful. The next Monday when I met her at the facility, she looked like she was knocking on death’s door.
What happened? I kept asking myself this question. Just two days before it seemed like you could swim in her eyes. When I saw her that Monday, she did not look spry and her lids were heavy over her big blues. She could barely get out of the car and I needed to get wheelchair assistance. She had fallen the night before. There was no one there to help her.
The next morning I got phone call after phone call from one of her many friends “Mrs. B… keeps saying she is dying and she won’t let us take her to the hospital or the doctor.” I rushed back from my appointments and cancelled my day. Both she and her husband had fallen the night before and this time she was in terrible pain and scared. He was oblivious. She could barely breath. She was gagging on her coughs.
I gave her two choices I would either bring her to the hospital or I bring a doctor to her. She told this doctor, (a geriatric concierge medical doctor who did her residency in geriatrics) was accused of being a quack while conducting a bedside examination and dismissed her. Now what?
Share And Enjoy With Others:
This story begins 7 months ago when an attorney colleague asked me to call one of his clients who was frail. He knew that I was the person that had the skill set to ensure that she was getting her needs met and that she had a plan to stay healthy and safe. This person was the Magnificent Mrs. MB. Her daughter came in from Canada to assist her after she had a minor heart attack in the hospital after being hospitalized for a bleeding ulcer. One year earlier, Mrs. MB had an extensive and highly invasive surgery because she had esophageal cancer. They used her stomach to re-construct her esophagus and now, for the rest of her life, she must sleep in an upright position. She had COPD and now emphysema and used oxygen.
Mrs. MB is 76 years old and for almost her entire adult life was the care taker for her husband who in the 1980’s was in an automobile accident and suffered minor brain damage. Now in his 80’s he has a rather well entrenched case of dementia. I conducted a mini mental status examination and other standardized test on him that confirmed this diagnosis.
I did not meet with MB then. She did not want to hire me. Distrustful and afraid of change, she rejected her daughter’s pleas.
Exactly one month ago she called me. I went to meet with her. She had the biggest, bluest most alert eyes I have ever seen. They said I can size you up in a second and swallow you. I took her history. I found out that she was a retired psychiatric registered nurse. I found out that she wanted her husband out. She wanted her husband out. She had had enough. She was too frail to care for him and any suggestion of in home care for respite relief or getting him out of the house to an adult day health care center was not going to cut it. As time went on and as will be revealed later, I came to find out why I was being hired to be this seemingly affable man’s henchwoman.
As for her, she wanted her life back, she wanted to be social again and herself entertained moving into a nice assisted living facility. She had been an alcoholic and for the last 20 years a valued mentor to many suffering from that disease. Her social life centered around those functions. In order for her to accomplish that, it was clear that she needed major nutritional counseling. She was very thin. She needed a lift put into her home to assist her with the 15 stairs to her room and grab bars installed. And, her legal affairs had to be put in order. Her estate plan was woefully outdated.
This seemed like a very easy case, one that my initial retainer could cover. I went back to my office, wrote a report with my recommendations and findings and summarily delivered it. One of my recommendations was that she re-consider moving her husband. I thought that she was underestimating the value of having a routine every day suddenly evaporate. It could be lonely and isolating. Certainly she could get some relief through the adult day health care center or in home care. However, I would come to find out that there were people lining up to be at this woman’s side, every day, all day.
Share And Enjoy With Others:
I feel the season changing.
The subtle smell of new growth. The sun refusing to go easy into the night. The moon less eager to rush into the day. I just had my 47th birthday. I too feel less eager to close my eyes at night. I spent my birthday skiing in powder up to my knees. The day before it was bleak, grey, windy, cold and wet. On my birthday, the sun shined and the powder forced me to just lay back and enjoy. For those of you who don’t ski, it can be effortless if you just relax into it. When I decided to sit back and glide down the slope I began to notice the lakes in the distance, the hawks in the sky, the music in my head.
There are many challenges we as Americans young and old currently face. Most of us spend our days trying to put out one fire after another and then go through the rote tasks before we go back to sleep and do it all again like pre-programmed zombies. I know that it can feel like you are a salmon swimming upstream, trying to get to places that we need to be, but having to face serious challenges along the way. However, this is it. THIS IS IT.
If you have children and have to get them off to school and yourself off to work, take two minutes to watch their faces as they chew their toast with two missing teeth. They are cute. If you have a long drive in traffic, turn off the news and turn on some funny morning guys and laugh or put on pretty music and find something pleasing about the sky. If you’re really lucky you will pass someone picking their nose or arguing with themselves behind the wheel. Who knows maybe you will get a glimpse of a wildly cute dog tonguing the air from the back seat of a sedan. Like Julie Andrews sang, these are a few of my favorite things.
If you have money problems trust that it is temporary and that you will be o.k.. Give yourself three minutes to fret about it and understand that while today is cold and bleak, the seasons are changing. I promise that tomorrow the sun will shine, it inevitably does (even in Seattle). So, just relax and enjoy the glide.
LOVE SUSAN
Share And Enjoy With Others:
Episode #017 – Laurel reflects on the Beatles tune, “When I’m 64″ and talks about how she tore up her AARP card when she first received it.
To see the complete Laurel series, click here.
Share And Enjoy With Others:
Episode #014 – One look at this 85 year old man and you will want to take up gardening too. He is physically fit and looks like he is in his 60’s.
To see the complete Gordon and Ginny series, click here.
Share And Enjoy With Others:
Episode #012 – Ginny uses trends in hair as a metaphor about life. “If you fail to keep up with the times, time will pass you by.” she says. Whose hair style do you think Ginny likes the best? Dorothy Hamil, Farrah Faucet or Jennifer Aniston?
To see the complete Gordon and Ginny series, click here.
Share And Enjoy With Others:
Episode #011 – Ginny could write a book about all of the stars she has worked with, but won’t because she is a lady.
To see the complete Gordon and Ginny series, click here.
Share And Enjoy With Others:
Episode #010 – Ginny has always been independent. She was forced to raise three children on her own at a time when that was not the norm. She was a women’s libber before that term was in vogue.
To see the complete Gordon and Ginny series, click here.
Share And Enjoy With Others:
Episode #009 – Does keeping busy and having purpose keep you young? After viewing this segment, you should have no doubt!
To see the complete Gordon and Ginny series, click here.
Share And Enjoy With Others:
Episode #006/007 – Susan visits an assisted living facility in Beverly Hills, CA to see the Westside Choral Group. The Westside Choral Group is seniors entertaining seniors and so much more.
Part (1/2)
Part (2/2)
Share And Enjoy With Others:
|
Loading
Learning Center
Join Our Newsletter
Susan's Tweets...
|
