Within 5 days of delivering the report, Mrs. B asked me to come to her home. She was shadowed by another woman who she sponsored at AA and who was there at our first meeting. We will call this woman, her shadow. At first I was suspicious. It is not just that I have an inherently distrustful nature, it is that I have seen these types linger around frail older adults with assets many times and THEY HAVE DONE BAD THINGS TO MY CLIENTS. In time, I came to not only trust the shadow, but because Mrs. B’s daughters were out of the country, I came to rely on her for doing the things that a daughter would do.
When I arrived, Mrs. B was sitting up in her bed upstairs eating a peanut butter and lettuce sandwich. Because she had to sleep in an upright position, she developed stenosis. She complained of pain. Overall she seemed determined and strong. Mrs. B again reiterated her desire to move her husband elsewhere and the conflict she felt about “institutionalizing” him. The consensus was that she would tour a facility by her home that I recommended. I asked her to articulate her wish list, and certainly regaining her strength was primary. However, it was clear that her mental attitude was an impediment, so we discussed anti-depressants. Being the stoic person that she was, she had stopped taking them.
I spoke with Mr. B, he was bored. Every day that I spoke with him he said he was bored. He had very bad hygiene, could not make his own meals, pick his clothes out or do his own laundry. I came to feel that placing him was the right and kind thing to do. He sat and sat and sat all day without any social interaction.
We had a plan. Mrs. B. would tour the assisted living facility the following Monday. By the time I left, she was up and about and demonstrating her new lift. She looked happy and hopeful. The next Monday when I met her at the facility, she looked like she was knocking on death’s door.
What happened? I kept asking myself this question. Just two days before it seemed like you could swim in her eyes. When I saw her that Monday, she did not look spry and her lids were heavy over her big blues. She could barely get out of the car and I needed to get wheelchair assistance. She had fallen the night before. There was no one there to help her.
The next morning I got phone call after phone call from one of her many friends “Mrs. B… keeps saying she is dying and she won’t let us take her to the hospital or the doctor.” I rushed back from my appointments and cancelled my day. Both she and her husband had fallen the night before and this time she was in terrible pain and scared. He was oblivious. She could barely breath. She was gagging on her coughs.
I gave her two choices I would either bring her to the hospital or I bring a doctor to her. She told this doctor, (a geriatric concierge medical doctor who did her residency in geriatrics) was accused of being a quack while conducting a bedside examination and dismissed her. Now what?
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This story begins 7 months ago when an attorney colleague asked me to call one of his clients who was frail. He knew that I was the person that had the skill set to ensure that she was getting her needs met and that she had a plan to stay healthy and safe. This person was the Magnificent Mrs. MB. Her daughter came in from Canada to assist her after she had a minor heart attack in the hospital after being hospitalized for a bleeding ulcer. One year earlier, Mrs. MB had an extensive and highly invasive surgery because she had esophageal cancer. They used her stomach to re-construct her esophagus and now, for the rest of her life, she must sleep in an upright position. She had COPD and now emphysema and used oxygen.
Mrs. MB is 76 years old and for almost her entire adult life was the care taker for her husband who in the 1980’s was in an automobile accident and suffered minor brain damage. Now in his 80’s he has a rather well entrenched case of dementia. I conducted a mini mental status examination and other standardized test on him that confirmed this diagnosis.
I did not meet with MB then. She did not want to hire me. Distrustful and afraid of change, she rejected her daughter’s pleas.
Exactly one month ago she called me. I went to meet with her. She had the biggest, bluest most alert eyes I have ever seen. They said I can size you up in a second and swallow you. I took her history. I found out that she was a retired psychiatric registered nurse. I found out that she wanted her husband out. She wanted her husband out. She had had enough. She was too frail to care for him and any suggestion of in home care for respite relief or getting him out of the house to an adult day health care center was not going to cut it. As time went on and as will be revealed later, I came to find out why I was being hired to be this seemingly affable man’s henchwoman.
As for her, she wanted her life back, she wanted to be social again and herself entertained moving into a nice assisted living facility. She had been an alcoholic and for the last 20 years a valued mentor to many suffering from that disease. Her social life centered around those functions. In order for her to accomplish that, it was clear that she needed major nutritional counseling. She was very thin. She needed a lift put into her home to assist her with the 15 stairs to her room and grab bars installed. And, her legal affairs had to be put in order. Her estate plan was woefully outdated.
This seemed like a very easy case, one that my initial retainer could cover. I went back to my office, wrote a report with my recommendations and findings and summarily delivered it. One of my recommendations was that she re-consider moving her husband. I thought that she was underestimating the value of having a routine every day suddenly evaporate. It could be lonely and isolating. Certainly she could get some relief through the adult day health care center or in home care. However, I would come to find out that there were people lining up to be at this woman’s side, every day, all day.
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Are you facing challenges with aging family members? Are you having trouble getting clear, practical and useful answers? Steve interviews elder issues expert and gerontologist Susan Geffen about everything from elder abuse to reverse mortgages, from long-term care to Alzheimer’s.
Also, are you frustrated with your financial situation? Do you wonder where your money went at the end of the month and why others are getting ahead when you are not? Steve talks about the basics of getting out of debt, getting the most out of your money and how to set yourself up for personal financial success.
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#1 Not wanting to be a burden to our children, our spouse, or relatives.
Love is shown in many ways. One of the best ways to show it is by making sure that the financial and physical burden of being cared for does not fall on our loved ones.
#2 Access to Quality Care
The cost of being cared for is extremely expensive. Unless you have huge cash reserves, long term care insurance is the only realistic way of paying for care without going broke and ending up in a nursing home.
Remember. After the age of 60, there is a 70% likelihood that you will need long term care.
#3 Aversion to Welfare
Most of us have worked hard all of our lives and expect to remain in our homes when we get older. Unfortunately, for millions of Americans, the government is now their caretaker because the high cost of health care has depleted their assets.
#4 Asset Protection
It is sad how many people lose everything they have worked for when they get older and need long term care. Many people still think the government will take care of them, but they don’t realize that it will probably be in a nursing home and they will have had to spend their entire life savings to get to a place they don’t want to be.
#5 Control and Independence
There are many important decisions that have to be made about our living space and healthcare as we grow older. If you are like me, you want to remain in your own home. Long term care insurance can help insure that you have many favorable options available to you, including assisted living and in home care.
#6 Peace of Mind
For those who have already purchased a long term care policy from a reputable company, they would tell you that it is a huge relief to know that they have this important coverage.
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 “You could easily become poverty stricken and destitute if you don’t have Long Term Care Insurance policy, or rich children, or a gazillion dollars in the bank!”
Long Term Care Insurance is not a luxury or for the rich. It is a necessity that you should not ignore.
For years, Americans have believed that Medicare would take care of them when they get older, but that just isn’t true. Nursing homes are home to over 8,000,000 Americans, and that number is going to double in the next 10 years! Continue reading Report: How To NOT Be A Burden On Your Children
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If you are taking care of your kids and your parents, you are a proud (or maybe not proud) member of the sandwich generation, so good luck!
We didn’t grow up thinking it would be this way. We figured we’d have kids and our parents would fend for themselves. At least that is the way it was always presented to us on TV and other forms of the media.
Continue reading Are you a member of the sandwich generation?
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